So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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