This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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