The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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