Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize