I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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