Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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