You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
