meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
