This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
