Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
