Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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