all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
