Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
