the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
