did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
