Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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