i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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