i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
