I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
