shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You are the jesus of drinking
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
