just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
