Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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