we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
