Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
