I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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