***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
