Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
