I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize