Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
