last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
There are leaves in my underwear?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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