mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wear drunk well.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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