my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
