so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
