the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
