the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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