You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
