his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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