I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
