You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
