Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
