There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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