It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize