At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
