I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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