You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
