I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
