All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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