I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
