I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
