Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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