as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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