At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
