she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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