there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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