I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have so many feelings about this burrito
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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