i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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