Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
